That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Randomize
