So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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