she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
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No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
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Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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