Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
