Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
