YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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