Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
My feet surprised me
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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