i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
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I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
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I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
And then he peed in my hair
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