I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
