i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
