She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
