I'm eating all of the evidence.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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