i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
