TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
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