She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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