I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
