i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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