foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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