i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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