my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
