Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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