She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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