So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
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Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
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My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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