i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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