I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
