So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
