I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
