My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
So squirting runs in the family.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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