for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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