Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
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