I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
