when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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