drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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