I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
