Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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