Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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