barbara walters just said penis...
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
