do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.