My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich