I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
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just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
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Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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