only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
