remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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