i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
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