So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
