A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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