Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
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