Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
