Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I see more hoeing in ur future
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
