Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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