dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
There r osticjed everywhere
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
he's gonorrhea incarnate
whose ass print is on the piano?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
