oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
