It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
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I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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