My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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