Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
The adults are the big ones right?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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