david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
