dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
