I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My room smells like vodka and shame
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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